To The Boy I Lost Who Called Me Mom

There was a boy that called me mom

This little boy was not my son, however he had my heart like he came from my body.
This little boy is my nephew. I haven’t seen him in 2 years. He is growing up without me in his life and I am partially to blame. It is easy to throw blame and say his mom should bring him by to see me, however the road goes both ways. I could easily go visit them as well.

When he was 10 months old he came to stay with me because I was going through a hard time losing my foster son and a miscarriage.

The boy I lost who called me momHis dad wasn’t in the picture a the time and his mom was doing me a favor. Eventually he stayed with me on a full-time basis due to the dad coming back into the picture and not being very stable mentally. It put this sweet boy at risk. Over the months he started calling me mama and I felt off about it at first but I realized that I was the only mom he knew at that time. How could I deny him that feeling? He needed a mom.  Life goes fantastic for us as a family. I had my chunky monkey and my husband and we were a family. 6 years of failed pregnancies we had a boy.

He didn’t come from my body, but this boy was my life. He was my everything.

 

 

His biological mom found out she was expecting again and she asked me if I wanted it. I jumped for joy and was super excited to adopt! Then I feared that once she had this baby and I adopted it, that eventually my chunky monkey would have to “go home”. However I took the risk. After 6 years of trying and my body failing me I decided to go through with the idea of adopting from family. The original plan was for them to try to get pregnant for my husband and I. Life got busy and things happened.

Months went by and we lost touch. Once she realized she had missed her monthly I took her the test and it was in fact positive. We were excited. She and my brother agreed that we would be the ones raising this child through adoption.

How could I risk losing my boy?

 

So a couple of months later I realized I felt off. I didn’t have “normal” cycles so if I missed a month that wasn’t abnormal for me. I buy a test and take it. Wow, those amazing 2 lines showed up. My stomach was turning. The questions in my mind, and the ache in my heart. I knew this baby inside me wasn’t going to make it. My body was just going to fail me again, but it didn’t.

I told my brother and his girlfriend in fear that they would change their mind about the adoption due to the fact I didn’t “need” their baby anymore. However they still wanted us to adopt this baby and I was relieved. So a few months go by and I have yet to lose this baby and I have gotten farther in pregnancy than I ever had. I still raise chunky monkey and we are all happy.

We were going from a family of 3 to soon to be a family of 5.

Cake of diapersWe find out that our adopted baby and my baby are BOTH GIRLS! I am floored. It will be like raising twins! Months go by and our adopted girl is born.  We get there just 21 minutes before birth. My husband and I both got to be in the room and watch her being born. His finger was the first thing she held. I stayed with them for three days in the hospital.

 

3 Weeks Later…

Here I am 30 weeks pregnant and miserable trying to potty train our chunky monkey. I have been getting p17 shots since 20 weeks to sustain my pregnancy and I am just wiped out with the 3 week old we have adopted. I have never regretted it one bit. Just know that being pregnant for the first time and having a newborn along with an almost 2-year-old is very physically and mentally exhausting.

He goes to visit with his biological mother. They have an amazing time, and this is where I felt I was doing her a favor. I can’t imagine how hard it had to be to birth a baby that I grew for 9 months to gift it to another person. He came back to us after a few days and did nothing but cry for his mama. His real mama. I knew then that it was time that I had to let him go. It broke my heart. I died a little inside that day she picked him up. The truth punched me in the stomach and drained my body of all feeling and my limbs went numb. I was NOT his mother.

Empty room

To the boy I lost.

 

Your birthday was just 2 days ago. It has been two years since I have seen you. Now I have a feeling that you don’t even know who I am. I feel like my son died and all I have are distant memories, a few toys, and leftover clothes from my time with you. I miss you so much. More than you will ever know. Even though you will never know me or my love for you, I want to thank you for getting me through the darkest times in my journey to motherhood.

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